Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
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Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
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Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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