This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
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You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize