So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
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I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
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I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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