we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
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I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
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Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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