i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
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My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
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Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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