just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
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Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
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Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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