Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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