The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
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