I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
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drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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