got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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