I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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