I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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