i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
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I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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