Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
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I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
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I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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