Four minutes until I can fart!
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My life is pants optional.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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