I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Semen is not good for contacts.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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