Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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