I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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