seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
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Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
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