Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
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also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
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"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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