I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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