p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
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shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
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I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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