Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
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I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
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Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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