I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
someone get that fucking seahorse.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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