The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
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I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
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Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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