At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
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Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
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You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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