why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize