I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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