I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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