my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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