they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
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At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
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I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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