I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
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