Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
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Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
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pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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