I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
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Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
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She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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