he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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