dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
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I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
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