I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
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how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
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I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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