Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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