Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
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Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
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I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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