I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
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I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
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he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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