you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
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I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
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This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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