Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
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My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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