I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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