You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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