my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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