I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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