just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
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yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
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She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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