We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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