His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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