I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
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Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
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It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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